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"A Royal Pain"
The play was first performed in early 627 ATA, at the Snowflake Center in Hawk's Aerie. ::A Royal Pain ::A farce in two acts ::Written by Cyneray Coolweather's player ::IC author unknown :Dramatis Personae Handmaid(en) Attendant Lerone, the Royal Scribe Intira, Empress to Talus Kahar I Nurse to Intira Aide to Talus Kahar I Sirion Starkhorn Various Guests of Wildcat Keep Gorom Zahir Talus Kahar I Various Commoners Commoner 1 Commoner 2 ::Act I Scene 1 - the great hall of Wildcat Keep Handmaid and Attendant are busy cleaning, wiping and dusting various furniture pieces. Handmaid: Have you heard the news? Attendant (pauses in her cleaning) : News? What news? Handmaid: Well, if you don't know, I probably shouldn't tell you! Attendant (hands on hips) : Well, you did bring it up. Handmaid : Good point. But still.... Attendant (scurries up to Handmaid) : Oh, come on! You know I won't tell anyone! Handmaid (attempts to walk away) : Yes, of course! You've got sealed lips! Like that time I told you about the Emperor's wig! Attendant : I didn't tell anyone! Handmaid : Yes you did! I heard you telling the Scribe! Attendant (rushes and kneels in front of Handmaiden) : He won't tell anyone, he can keep a secret! Handmaid : It's his job to tell people, you twit! He even recorded it in the Royal Records! Attendant : Well, it'll bring some humor to someone, won't it? Handmaiden : Yeah-whoever finds those records in the future will know that Emperor Talus couldn't put a hairpiece on right! Some encyclopedia entry this Empire's going to have. Attendant : I would think they would devote more space to that sordid affair between Gorom and Intira, personally- Handmaid (interrupting frantically) : Shhhhh! You idiot! You want to spread that around, now, too? Attendant : Everyone already knows! Handmaid : No thanks to you, motor mouth. You had to tell the Nurse, that windbag! Attendant: How would I know she'd spread it around? Handmaid : She's the biggest gossip this side of the Lightholder River! Attendant : Isn't she going deaf, anyway? Handmaid: Oh yes, poor thing. Why, one of the knights came to her complaining about his ear, and the Nurse thought he had said rear...oh dear, that knight was walking funny for some time. Attendant : Well, I think that- Handmaid : No one cares what you think. Attendant : The Scribe seemed very interested! Handmaid : That's because most of the people around here are as loose-tongued as you are. That Scribe would leap at the chance to get some good dirt. Attendant : It's hard to picture him as a gossip... He's always seemed to walk rather stiffly to me. Handmaid (jokingly) : No, the Nurse misheard him too. Lerone enters. He appears middle-aged. He is dressed foppishly, completely in black. He holds a quill in one hand and a scroll in the other. Attendant : Lerone! Lerone : Why, hello, ladies. This afternoon is so dreadfully dull, I wish I had something to occupy the time. Handmaiden : Try backbreaking labor until the sun sets. Lerone : Don't complain about your lot in life-there are plenty of commoners out there who would do anything to walk in these hallowed halls. Handmaiden : Walking down them and scrubbing them with your own toothbrush are entirely different things, Lerone. Attendant : Goodness, this Hall takes an eternity to clean! Handmaiden : And the next time someone eats here it'll be just as dirty again. Attendant : This is such a feudal system.... Lerone (to Attendant) : The word is futile. Attendant (stops cleaning, eyeing Lerone) : You sure? Lerone : Very. The attendant (begins cleaning again) : Whatever. Handmaiden : Have we even cleaned half of the Hall? Supper convenes in an hour. Lerone : I wouldn't worry...the pots and pans will need to be cleaned after that. Handmaiden : You're so good at putting things into perspective, Lerone. The scribe looks on as the other two continue cleaning. There is a lull in the conversation. Attendant (pauses while cleaning some glass) : Now that I'm thinking about it- Handmaiden & Lerone (interrupting in unison) : You're thinking? Attendant : Yes - is that so hard to believe? Lerone and Handmaiden merely look at each other. Attendant : Anyway, hasn't it been a while since Master Gorom was around? Handmaiden (frowns at Attendant) : Silly, he's out questing or whatever. Attendant : Where's he going to? Lerone (wags a finger at Attendant) : Don't end a sentence with a preposition. Handmaiden : She speaks good enough! Lerone : "Well" enough. Handmaiden & Attendant (in unison, directed to Lerone) : Shut up! Lerone : Besides, it's a quest. He doesn't have a particular goal. He's just in search of adventure. Handmaiden : And maybe a little something else.... (winking at Attendant) Lerone : Be civil! Attendant (stops her cleaning and addresses the other two) : Oh, come on. We all know the Empress's tightening the royal leash. Lerone (steps away, taking deep breaths) : Meadows...fields...happy thoughts.... Handmaiden : It's no wonder Gorom left. Lerone : Dictionaries...thesauruses.... Attendant (stands at one of the large windows overlooking the downs) : Oh, I'd give anything to go out there...I hear there are some great knights in Leodegrande's land.... Lerone (throws his hands in the air, dropping his scrolls in the process) : The direct object follows the modifier, which follows the indirect object, which follows the verb, which follows the noun.... Aaargh! Handmaiden (returns to her cleaning) : Too bad us poor servants are locked up in here. Lerone : Honestly, I've no idea how you survive speaking such filth! Handmaiden : Don't you have some of the Emperor's singing in the baths to officially record? Lerone (kicks one of his scrolls in anger) : Ahh! Split infinitive! You bottom feeder! My ears! Exit Lerone. Attendant : That was easy. Handmaiden : I should have thought of it years ago. As the attendants return to their cleaning, the gong of a great bell is heard, signaling dinner hour. Attendant : Oh great! Handmaiden (neatly gathers her cleaning equipment) : Supper time. Both the handmaiden and the attendant scurry off to another room in the keep. Scene Two - The Empress' private chambers Intira and Nurse are already present. Intira sighs loudly and obviously. Nurse: Is there a wind-ablowin' in here? Intira : Just me, nurse. Nurse (returns to gathering various supplies from a leather bag) : I agree, tis blowin' lustily! Intira : No, I'm sighing. Nurse : You're what!? Intira : Sighing. (She sighs again.) Nurse : Now, are you ablowin' or asighin' cause I'm getting mighty confused here, lassie! Intira (forcefully) : I'm sighing! Nurse : Oh, lassie, what's the matter? Intira (speaking to the wall) : My nurse can't hear what I say. Nurse : What's that, dear? Intira : I miss someone. Nurse (visibly enlightened) : Ahh, is it your love that's missin'? Intira : Yes, he's so sweet. Nurse : So strong, and good-smelling, he is? Intira : Oh, yes! Nurse : Hits all the good spots, don' he? Intira : Definitely. Nurse : Talks to ya nice when yer down? Intira : Why yes, he does that too. Nurse : And when you're in the mood for some of that... Intira : Yes, that too. Nurse : Oh, how sweet-he even bakes for you! (pause for thought) Why, I can solve your troubles! I'll bring that lad right here right swift! (stands up) Intira : Oh, really? Please do! Nurse : Course, dear, tis nothing. (turns towards the door) EMMMPERRRRRORRRR! Yer Empress wants ya, quick now! Intira (gasps) : Nurse, it's quite all right. Nurse (ignores Intira) : No, tis nothing! (waits a moment) Why, he's not coming along now! TAAALLLLLLLUUUSSSSS! Drag your sorry- Intira : That's quite enough, nurse! Nurse : Poor you. No wonder ya miss im. He's never around. Intira : That's fine by me. Nurse : Well, I wouldn't go s'far as to call it blasphemy, but still! A royal aide - a young man dressed in fine linens - enters the room. Aide (bored) : Did you call His Royal Highness, Your Royal Highness? Nurse : Her Royal Highness called His Royal Highness, and certainly not His Royal Highness's royal toady! Aide : How dare you, insulting His Royal Highness's royal aide! Nurse : Her Royal Highness's royal nurse merely spoke the royal truth! Intira (steps between Nurse and Aide) : The both of you are being a royal pain! Aide & Nurse : Your Royal Highness! Intira : Just leave! Both the aide and the nurse slowly move towards the door. Intira : Get out! The nurse and aide both get the message and leave the room. Intira (sits on a sedan chair) : Finally, some peace. Nurse (just offstage) : I agree! Intira (throws a folded fan at the door) : Go away! Scene Three - The Great Hall Both the aide and the nurse are milling about. Aide : Touchy today, isn't she? Nurse : She has issues. Aide : Really? Like what? Nurse (sits on a chair) : Oh, the Emperor isn't paying her any attention. Aide : Why should he, she's off with that Gorom all the time. Nurse : Ha! (laughs loudly) She's through with him; I have it on good authority. Aide : Whose? Nurse (motions back towards the Empress' chamber) : Hers. Aide : Really? She seemed rather attached to him last he left this place. Nurse : People change, I suppose. She was just telling this to me in her chambers. Aide : Are you sure you heard her correctly? Nurse : Honestly! I don't know how people get the idea I'm going deaf! I can hear perfectly well! Aide : I'm sorry, I suppose I may have been a bit quick to let the rumors get to my head. Nurse : Poor dear, if your bed is too high, talk to the carpenter, he'll set you straight. Aide : Never mind. (He turns to leave.) Nurse : As you wish, lad. Aide (stops, turns to face the nurse again) : So, the Empress digs the Emperor again? Nurse : Most definitely, oh especially his baking! Aide : Oh, that's splendid! I'll be sure to tell him soon! Exit Aide, running off to the far end of the hall. Nurse : Oh, I love it when marriages work out! Scene Four - The Great Hall, later Lerone is loitering about, talking off and on to Attendant. Lerone (turns to the attendant) : So...how are things? Attendant : Fine...and yourself? Lerone : They are well. Attendant : Shouldn't that be 'good'? Lerone : No. Attendant : Are you- Lerone : Very. Attendant : You say very a lot, you know. Lerone (sneers) : You say ignorant things a lot, you know. Attendant : I've never said that in my life! Lerone : You say stupid things all the time! Attendant : Hey, now, first you say ignorant things and now stupid things. Maybe I've said the phrase stupid things once or twice in my life, but that's no reason for you- Lerone : Oh, just stop talking! Attendant (pushes Lerone playfully) : No, you! Lerone (pushes back) : No, you! Attendant (pushes Lerone very hard) : You! Lerone stumbles backwards. Enter Sirion Starkhorn, a strong, burly man dressed in polished, full armor. Sirion Starkhorn : Allo all! I'm back! Lerone gives a questioning look to Sirion. Sirion Starkhorn : It's me, the great Master Sirion, of the Round Table, you know, that one? Lerone : Ah, I see. (taps his quill to a scroll) Where, exactly, have you been? Sirion Starkhorn (smirks) : I've been questing. Lerone : Seems to be a popular thing to do these days.... Sirion Starkhorn : Huh? Attendant : Never mind him. Sirion Starkhorn (to Lerone) : I seem to be getting my memory back. You're that prickly little fellow who always corrected people's grammar, aren't you? Lerone : Bad grammar needs the correction, or it will just happen again. Attendant : Yes, bad grammar has been known to do that. Sirion Starkhorn : I was wandering the vast plains, in search of adventure.... Lerone : Ah, what a beautiful cliché. Sirion Starkhorn (breaks from his storytelling) : Don't you go using your fancy words on me, prickly boy. I don't like you, little man. And I can play your little grammar game. Prepositions and whatnot! Get this, a perfect sentence, just for you: You always think you are intellectually superior to the person who you are talking to. Lerone : 'The person to whom you are talking'. Sirion Starkhorn : Stop it! Attendant : Anyway...what did you see, Master Sirion? Sirion Starkhor (returns to his storytelling stance) : I saw Emperor Talus, and his lovely daughter Celene. Lerone (gives a forced smile) : Delightful. Sirion : Quite. She has a child, though. Attendant : What's his name? Sirion Starkhorn : Grailas. Lerone : Interesting... He transcribes everything onto a scroll. Sirion (lowers his voice) : Not nearly as interesting as this. Guess who the boy's father is? Attendant : Ooh, I love games like this! It was the Emperor, wasn't it! Both Lerone and Sirion give a disgusted look to Attendant. Lerone : That's her father! Attendant : Oh, I thought you said Grailas was a boy? Lerone : No, the Emperor is Celene's father! Attendant: Now, see here, either the poor kid's name is Grailas or Celene, now which is it? Lerone (puts his quill down, and speaks slowly) : Listen carefully. Emperor Talus had a daughter.... Attendant : Ooh, ooh! Grailas, right! Lerone (continues his slow speaking) : Emperor Talus had a daughter named Celene. Attendant : I see, Emperor Grailas's wife Celene had a baby? Lerone: Stop! Listen! Emperor Talus had a daughter named Celene. Celene had a child - a boy - named Grailas! Understand? Attendant : Yes, but that poor Emperor Celene, such an effeminate name! Lerone (retrieves his quill, speaks to Sirion) : Just tell us who the father is. Sirion Starkhorn (grimaces) : Master Gorom. Lerone & Attendant (both in shock) : What! Sirion Starkhorn (looks pleased with himself) : No joking! Lerone (calms himself, continues jotting on a scroll, with false compassion) : What horrid news! Attendant (genuinely distressed) : Awful, indeed! Lerone (to himself as he writes) : The cheating Empress's being cheated on. Delicious. Attendant : She did sort of have it coming to her, though. Lerone : C'est la vie. Attendant (grabs Lerone's arm, jarring his writing) : Let's get out of here before this heats up. We must...do something about this baby! Exit Attendant and Lerone, Attendant pulling Lerone. Music from the orchestra swells. Spotlight on Sirion Starkhorn. Sirion Starkhorn (grins broadly, addresses audience) : I suppose I should have mentioned that Gorom was being shadow-tricked into believing that Celene was Intira, shouldn't I? Well, I'll just tell them next I see them..... Exit Sirion Starkhorn, in a different direction from Attendant and Lerone. ::Act II Scene 1 - the great hall of Wildcat Keep Nurse and Handmaid are sitting with each other in the Hall, which is now crowded with Guests, who go about making quiet small talk amongst themselves. Handmaid (sighs) : It feels so good to sit in this room without cleaning it. Nurse (loudly, leaning in to hear better) : What's that? Handmaid : Your hearing, dear. It's horrid. A moment passes as the two watch the guests. Nurse: I wish something would happen. Handmaiden : Knowing this place, something will. Enter Gorom Zahir, dressed in knight's garb. He strides into the Great Hall, going largely unnoticed. Gorom (to Nurse & Handmaiden) : Ladies! Handmaid (gasps) : Master Gorom! You have returned! Nurse: Praise the Light! Gorom : I have seen and done much. Handmaid: How long has it been? Gorom : Years. Nurse: It must feel good to be home. Gorom : Oh, indeed it does. Handmaid (guides Gorom gently to a plush chair) : So, where have you been? Gorom : All over this fair country of Fastheld! I have seen so much. No one was kinder to me, though, than Emperor Talus, and his daughter Celene. I think she had a thing for me. (winks at Handmaiden) Nurse (stupidly) : A present? Gorom blanches. Handmaid (to Gorom, knowingly) : Did anything come of it? Gorom (to Handmaid) : No, I left that place a few days after I came to it. No adventure there. Handmaid : I see. Nurse (rises to her feet) : We must announce the news of your arrival! Gorom (grins) : I suppose. Nurse : You're just in time for a feast! Handmaid (crestfallen) : Oh, that will be delightful to clean up. Gorom : Excellent. I must clean up. Exit Gorom and enter Lerone; the two pass each other. Lerone (to Handmaid) : Was that Master Gorom I just passed in the hall? Handmaid : Indeed, it was! Lerone (smiles in a sinister manner) : What a coincidence.... Handmaid : What makes you say that? Lerone (still grinning evilly) : I just received word of some very interesting events in the keep of Emperor Talus. Nurse : Really? Lerone : It seems that Master Gorom fathered a child by the Lady Celene. Handmaid : What! He just told us that nothing had happened! Lerone : Master Sirion spoke to Celene, he even saw the child - Grailas. Nurse (loudly, obviously confused) : They had a gala? Handmaid (turns to Nurse, gently pushing her back to her chair) : Stay out of this. Nurse : Why? Handmaid : You'll probably distort it and spread it around. We wouldn't want that. Lerone (scribbling in a new scroll, sarcastically) : Lord, no. Nurse (sighs) : I'll just leave then. Nurse steals off to the other side of the stage, to meet with some other guests. Lerone (leans toward Handmaid, whispering loudly) : Do you think she heard any of that? Handmaid : Doubtful. Scene 2 - the Empress' chamber Nurse is there, setting up a table with many lit candle, as Intira sits on the edge of her bed. Intira : What's all this for? Nurse : I thought you might enjoy a romantic dinner. Intira : Nurse, tonight is a bad night. Nurse : I felt so disappointed when Talus couldn't come when you needed him. Intira (interrupts, pleading) : Nurse- Nurse : So I arranged a candlelit dinner! Intira (sighs) : Really, it's unnecessary. Nurse (grimaces at Intira) : What better way to celebrate the end of your affair with Gorom than this dinner? It represents your return - to legitimacy! Intira (angrily) : What in the world are you talking about? Nurse (hushes Intira with a finger to her lips) : Hush, hush! The Emperor will be here any moment now! Nurse finishes her job in setting up a small dinner table. Soon after, Talus Kahar, a tall, barrel chested man in robes enters. Intira (with obviously false smile) : Talus...what a pleasant surprise. Talus (with equally obvious false smile) : My lady...the surprises have just begun. Intira (apprehensive) : What do you mean? Nurse (steps forward, smiling) : D'ya recall when you told me you liked his baking? Intira : Why, I believe I- Nurse : Well, I had him prepare this whole meal! Isn't that great! Nurse unveils a small private meal from under a metal chauffeur. Intira (nods, seemingly disappointed) : Delightful. Nurse : I'll bring out the first course! Talus : You're going to love this, Intira! Intira : Oh ho ho, don't you know it! Nurse leaves the room momentarily, and returns with some food on a round serving platter. Nurse : Here we have our hors d'oeuvres. Intira (looks cautiously at the food) : What is it? Talus : Crab cakes! Isn't that smashing! Intira : You made this? Talus : Of course! Intira hesitatingly takes a bite. She instantly starts to go into the gag reflex, spitting it out onto the floor, although neither Talus nor Nurse notice. After she spits, she takes a huge breath, catching Nurse's attention. Nurse : Whatever was that for? Intira (gasping) : Talus... this food...is simply...breathtaking! Talus (with polite sarcasm) : Why, thanks! You're just going to love the main course, then! Intira : Why? Talus : It's paté de foie gras. Intira (takes another bite of the crab cake) : What's that? Talus (accenting each word) : Goose liver paste. Intira frowns, looking very wary of the planned meal, choking at the mere thought. Talus (joking) : Oh dear Light! She's choking! Nurse panics, throwing her hands into the air. Nurse : Oh Light! What'll we do? What'll we do? Talus (crossly, to Nurse) : You're a nurse! Do something! Nurse : What! Talus (shouts, scornful) : I don't know-help her! Nurse races around Intira and administers the Heimlich Maneuver. A bit of food is dislodged from Intira's throat and lands on the floor. Intira (gasps, catching her breath) : Talus, I don't know what's gotten into me. I think I should spend the night alone. Exit Intira. Talus : Whatever was that about? Nurse : Oh dear, the Empress seems quite distressed! Excuse me, Your Royal Highness. Exit Nurse, following Intira. Scene 3 - the Great Hall This time, the Great Hall is dark and empty, save for Intira and Nurse. Intira begins this scene standing in the middle of the hall. Nurse : Intira, whatever seems to be the matter? Intira retreats to a chair on the side of the hall. Intira (nearly sobbing) : Nurse, it's all too much. Nurse (approaches Intira) : What do you mean? Intira : You of all people, I'm sure, know about those nasty rumors going around! Nurse (smiles, placing her hand on Intira's shoulder) : Oh dear, yes. Intira (composing herself) : They were true, of course. Nurse (reluctantly) : I see. Intira : And this dinner...it was all too much. Intira rises and moves again to the center of the Hall, away from Nurse. Nurse : Don't worry about Gorom. He's moved on. Intira stops in her tracks, turning to Nurse. Intira : What? Nurse : Yep. They had a gala at Emperor Talus's keep. Intira (confused) : So? Nurse (sheepishly) : Gorom was there... I think he spent the night with Celene. Intira (stands unmoving, visibly upset) : What? He's been cheating on me!? Nurse (avoids eye contact) : Sorry, better you heard it now than later. Intira : Why that sorry- Nurse : Wait, he's even back at Keep now! Exit Intira, storming out of the Great Hall. Scene 4 - the Great Hall, morning Reveille plays in the background. Handmaid, Attendant and Aide are going about their duties in the Great Hall. Handmaid (sighs) : Another day. Attendant : More cleaning. Enter Nurse, beaming. Nurse : It's so beautiful, isn't it? Aide (bored) : I wonder what great works our Emperor shall achieve today? Handmaid : Perhaps getting his wife under control. Aide : What? Attendant (slyly grins at Aide) : Gorom's back. Nurse (obviously eavesdropping) : Is there something wrong with his back? Handmaid : No, Gorom is back. Nurse : He's black? Handmaid (raises her voice) : He's back. Nurse : Don't repeat what ya say, I heard you the first time! Handmaid : Oh, Never mind! Handmaid continues her cleaning, eventually reaching Aide. Handmaid (leaning toward Aide) : Now our Emperordom will have to put up with its dirty laundry again. Aide : Oh, dear me. Attendant : It gets worse. Handmaid : Really? Aide : How could you top that? Attendant : Gorom cheated on Intira, and now she knows. Handmaid & Aide : Holy Light! Attendant (lowers her voice) : There's a baby, too! Aide (distressed) : This is getting stickier by the minute. Scene 5 - the Emperor's chambers There are many plaques on the wall. A desk stands on one side of the room. Gorom and Talus are conversing. Talus (smiles broadly) : Gorom, you're my best knight. Gorom : Thank you, my lord. Talus paces around the room. Talus : I'm afraid that a time comes when every master must have a certain conversation with his protégé, as much as he would like to avoid it. Gorom : Uhh...I think I know what this is about. Talus stops, eyeing Gorom. Talus : You do? Great, that'll just make it easier for us to confront it! Gorom (uneasily) : It will? Are you sure we should discuss this? Talus resumes pacing. Talus (with grand gesture) : It is very important! Gorom : Of course, my Lord.... Talus (studying the many plaques on the wall) : Well, then, I think you simply must put a fix to the problem. Gorom (dejected) : I shall try, my Lord. Talus (faces Gorom again, ominously) : Accidents happen when these things break. Gorom (stammering) : What! Talus : Gorom, I know that you are very attached to that chain mail of yours, but it's simply wearing thin. You should replace it post haste! Talus moves towards his desk. Gorom (perplexed) : This is about my armor? Talus : What else would it be about? Gorom : I'll fix it right away, Lord! Talus : Great! Now, that wasn't so hard, was it? Scene 6 -the Great Hall, midday Handmaid, Attendant, and Aide are still going about their business as Gorom enters. Aide : Ah, Gorom, just the man we wanted to see! Gorom : Huh? Both Handmaid and Attendant rush giddily to Gorom. Handmaid & Attendant : We have some advice for you. Gorom steps back. Gorom : I've had it up to here with advice. Attendant : Well, you've certainly done a good job of handling things so far! Handmaid (playfully pushes Gorom) : Letting a terrible situation like this get out of hand. Shame be on you! Gorom : Well...I'm... I'm... Attendant : Don't apologize now! Someone could have been hurt, especially you! Gorom (sighs) : I know, I really should have repaired it sooner. Attendant (stomps her foot) : Indeed! You'll just break your own heart, and bring others down with you! Gorom (ruefully) : You're right. I suppose I am important in many a battle... Handmaid (puffs her chest out, and speaks in her most inspiring, kingly voice) : Yes, the battle of life needs you! You must fix this injustice! Gorom : I can't believe I haven't done anything! Aide : Well, good knight, go forth-and fix it! Gorom : I shall! Exit Gorom. Handmaid (claps her hands) : How wonderful-everything shall be repaired soon! Aide : Indeed. Scene 7 - the Emperor's chamber Talus is dictating to Lerone. Aide is sitting on a chair in the corner, feigning interest. Talus (paces around the room, speaking slowly) : ...and so...it is with great pleasure...that I announce to you...the building of the new mill... Lerone scribbles furiously on parchment. There is a long pause. Lerone : Is that all? Talus : No. I would like to hereby announce... Lerone : Yes...? Talus : ...that... Lerone : ...yes..? Lerone waits impatiently. Talus : ...that... Lerone is an idiot! Lerone (utterly surprised) : What? Talus : Just kidding! Just kidding! Aide smirks. Lerone : I should hope so! Talus (points at Lerone) : I'll bet you wrote it, though! Lerone : No! Talus : Yeah! Lerone (more forcefully) : No! Talus : Yes! Talus grabs Lerone's parchment, reading it as he holds it aloft. '' Talus : "Lerone is an idiot," Ha! I knew it! Lerone : So? Talus : We are filing this one. Lerone (''drops his quill) : No! Talus : Oh yes. Talus brings the parchment to Aide. Aide reads it. Aide : Lerone... is... an... idiot? Lerone : Your Royal Highness... Make him stop! Talus : Oh fine, you're no fun. Enter Nurse, looking winded. Nurse : Your Majesty! Lerone : It's 'Your Royal Highness,' miss nurse. Nurse (panting) : Shut! Up! Talus (turns to face Nurse) : What is it, nurse? Nurse : Gorom! He's fixed his problem! Talus : Serious? Nurse : Yes! Talus (relieved) : Finally! Whew, that takes a load off of my shoulders. Nurse takes a moment to compose herself and catch her breath. Nurse : Let's mention it at the public celebration tonight! Talus (grimaces) : No, that's a bit too public, isn't it? Aide : Everyone already knows, why not just announce something to let them know it's over? Talus : I suppose it could help the PR around here a little.... Nurse : You'll do it? Talus : I guess.... Nurse (jumps for joy) : Hooray! You won't regret it! Scene 8 - the Great Hall Gorom is busy repairing his armor when Sirion Starkhorn enters. Gorom (glances up from his work) : Well, if it isn't my friend, Master Sirion. Sirion (moves to stand next to Gorom) : Hey, Gorom, how are things? Gorom (concentrating on his work) : Good.... Sirion : Well, that's good. Gorom : Yeah.... There is an uncomfortable moment of pause between the two. Sirion : Say, did you ever talk to that Celene again? You know, Emperor Talus's daughter? Gorom (looks over at Sirion) : After I left? Sirion : Yeah. Gorom : No... why? Sirion (looks surprised) : Whoa! You missed a lot! She had a kid! Gorom : Seriously? Sirion walks to Gorom's other side, inspecting his work. Sirion : Yeah...name's Grailas. Gorom (pauses) : Oh my...this isn't good. Sirion : Nope. Gorom (stops working) : What'll I do? Sirion : Nothing! They'll adore you across Talus-land. Gorom : Talus-land? Sirion : Never mind- Gorom : No, seriously, is that what they call it? Sirion : No? Gorom (stands to face Sirion) : Well, then, why'd you call it that? Sirion (turns his head away) : Can we forget about 'Talus-land' please! Gorom : Just... don't say it again. Sirion : Whatever are you doing, anyway? Gorom : Fixing my chain mail. You wouldn't believe how many people have been bothering me about it. Sirion steps back, a dark look coming over his face. Sirion : Anyway, no one really wants you to come back to Emperor Talus's castle. Gorom : Talus-land, you mean? Sirion (coldly) : Shut up. Gorom : That's good, I suppose. Sirion stands gazing at Gorom for a moment. Sirion : Know what? I haven't fixed my chain mail in a long time. I'm gonna do that. Exit Sirion. Gorom stares at Sirion as he walks away. Gorom : Good luck. Scene 9 - the Great Hall The Great Hall is now packed with Commoners, as well as Talus and all his servants. Intira is noticeably absent. Talus is standing on a podium, giving a speech. Gorom is seated at the front of the stage. Talus : We are gathered here today to hold a great celebration- The crowd cheers. Talus : But first... An announcement! I'm proud to say that my Knight, Master Gorom, had a few things going on that maybe needed some fixing. But, I talked to him, and I'm proud to say everything is taken care of! The crowd cheers. Aide (leans over to Talus, whispering loudly) : Your Highness, some of the staff would like to comment. Talus (to Aide) : Rather unusual, isn't it? Aide (nods) : But, for this monumental occasion, they cannot help but contain their effervescent joy. Lerone (feigns wiping away a tear, gushing) : So beautiful... such... perfect... grammar! Talus : I suppose.... Handmaid, Attendant, and Nurse line up at the podium. Handmaid : I would just like to say this is wonderful...Master Gorom...cleaning up his act...congratulations! Master Gorom (to the audience) : Awful lot of fuss over some chain mail.... Attendant (to crowd, beaming at Gorom) : This is just splendid. We are one hundred percent behind you! Nurse : Yes, now let's all try to forget that he had a heinous affair with the Empress and then with the Lady Celene from Talus's Emperordom who bore a son named Grailas! The cheers from the crowd are instantly muted, as suddenly people are murmuring to themselves about what they just heard. Talus : What the- ! The din of the crowd swells in outrage. Nurse (innocently) : Uhh...was I not supposed to talk about that? Handmaid : Wait! That is why we're here, isn't it? Talus (furious) : I thought it was because Gorom repaired his chain mail! Attendant : That's not what he told us! Gorom : Wait just a darn minute! I never said anything about that to you! I never even knew there was a Grailas until a few hours ago! Commoner 1 : Liar! Commoner 2 : Get him! The crowd surges toward Gorom, who beats a hasty retreat from the Great Hall, the angry mob following. Scene 10 - the Great Hall Talus, Handmaid, Attendant, Sirion Starkhorn, Nurse are in an utterly messy Great Hall. Chairs are broken, papers are littered everywhere, furniture overturned. Talus sits in the ruin, his head in his hands. Sirion Starkhorn kneels in the wreckage. Talus (to Handmaid) : I'm sorry about that mix-up yesterday. Handmaid (in tears) : So, what's going to happen? Talus : Everything already did happen. Enter Lerone, walking his way through the mess. Lerone : Really? Enter Aide from a shadowy corner of the Great Hall, as ominous music fills the scene. Aide (flat, evil) : We like to be efficient around here. :We find trouble, and we get rid of it.... :We don't tolerate failure. We clean up our stains. :Like that dirty laundry yesterday. Light, wasn't it stinky? :I've made sure that Intira won't be playing around anymore. Attendant (looks up at Aide, eyes puffy and red) : How? Aide : She's been made a Scourge of the Light. Master Sirion (forcefully) : What? Aide (smugly) : That vow of chastity should take care of her good. Lerone : Well, well, well.... Talus (stands) : Shut up, Lerone. Sirion : Well, what about Gorom? Talus : I did what any self-respecting Emperor would do when his best friend has an affair with the Empress. I kicked his butt out of my castle! Nurse (snaps her fingers) : You go, Emperor! Aide (steps through the trash) : We need to celebrate. Talus : Drinks in my chambers. Exit everyone except Lerone. Spotlight on Lerone. Lerone writes on a parchment, reading aloud. Lerone : And so, let the Royal Records reflect, that the Lady Intira was a stupid ditz and slipped on some butter in the kitchen, falling to her demise on a kettle...and Gorom went questing...never to return. The truth, as it really happened, according to Talus.